imaginery feelings.

just when i wanted to abandon my blog... my thots have started to verbalize into words again... or shid i say, me, the anti-social reli need a place to write all my emotions.

sometimes i think i am wierd, or maybe just a little different. i start to haf imaginery feelings tt i dnt wish to haf. it's wierd. i can't explain them. i suppress them, i avoid feeling that way. am i right to do that? i reli don't wana haf those imaginery feelings. sometimes they suck u into a black hole and u just feel crap.

maybe i am crap. maybe i reli deserve to be alone. maybe tt's why i am alone.

void.

void.

Burnt.

Mentally drained. Emotionally dry.

These explain why i am blogging first thing in the morning, when i have a mountain load of work calling out to me.

I need to vent my frustrations. I need to get away. But right now, there are things to be accomplished... *oops, my senior just saw me blogging*

Whatever.


Hold my hands and stay a little longer.
I think I need that little bit of warmth now.
At least just for this moment.

yawn.

just realised that today marks the 3rd month since I've written the previous post...

i'm tired and somehow my thots don't seem to verbalise into words anymore...

----------------

Exhaustion.
the harder i push myself, the more i try to stay afloat, the deeper and deeper i feel that i am sinking...

I doubt i haf the strength to move on. Why is it that some ppl have all the strength, mentally and physially to take them through their daily lives and all their trials...

No matter wad i say, or how much i whine, i still haf to pick myself up and drag myself along...

----------------

Judgmental.
i hate the way ppl look at me. i hate it whn ppl impose their views upon me. i hate it whn i lose control of myself. i hate it whn my life seems like mine no more.

who are these ppl to judge me according to their perception? if i judge them according to mine, i think they would have failed totally. yet, i always try to find the good things about these ppl and tell myself that they are nice and i attempt to put myself in their shoes to do my best in understanding why they did or said certain things.

yet, time and again, i was slapped in the face... not once, not twice... numerous.


exhausted. unappreciated. defeated. exasperated.

tired. work.

seems ages since i last blogged. was chatting with a friend (A) the other night...

A was telling me about the way i behaved and the way my character is.
it isn't that i don't wish to be girly like other gals, it isn't within my control to prevent guys from treating me like buddies...

sometimes i wish... i could be like other gals, sweet, lovely... but somehow inside me, i think i couldn't be that way. A asked why couldn't i be like other gers... be close to guys, yet not become buddies with them; maintaining the fact that they are gers and shld the guys become closer to them, it might signify the beginning of a relationship (or something to tt effect).

i'm tired.

i think i am a loner. and maybe one day, i will become extinct like the dodo bird... because i don't get out enuf (pun intended).

anyway, i've suggested to the gals to meet up at least once a month, hopefully they do. but i hope someone will take the initiative this time to organise something soon. so, who's the next organizer? the person will just have to contact everyone to settle on the date and time, cox i've already got suggestions on where to go... it'll be fun... kekekeke.

thinking about this makes me excited... lalalala..

And to everyone who contributed to my birthday "ang bao", i've spent it on the Phantom of the Opera tix... and yes, i finally got someone to watch it with me!! =)

******
my thots are coming in in drips and drapes... sigh. think it's because of work. worked thru the wekends and i have only 4 hrs in the morning to finish ALL my sections, plus half of the profit and loss... DIE! i am so dead... it isn't that i didnt work on weekends, but client was not around.......

wish me luck!

i write.

writing is a form of communication.

writing is an expression.

writing releases pent-up emotions.

writing eases pain.
writing aids letting go.
writing brings joy.
writing allows creativity.
writing hurts.


i write. i write. i write. i write.

i write and write.

i write and write.

eyes wide shut.

"wake up, u b****!!"
"no one in the F***ing world gives a F***ing damn abt u!"
i can't sleep now...
can't sleep....
i'm sinking into it...
i need the pills...
reli....
medicate me.
rescue me.
call the suicide helpline.
sedate me.
i'm going insane.
rite at this moment...
i can't find anyone...
no one...
my heart aches...
my tears roll....
and i realised i reli am all alone.........

random.

sleepless.

wanted so much to just hide in a corner.

weep all i could. weep all i want.

wanted to simply vanish into thin air.

#####

reading minds is not my forte.

never could tell if you mean what you say.

what if the things you choose to hide from me,

are truely what you think or feel about me.

then i really hope to know them one day.

cox should i ever go away,

will you speak and make me stay.

#####

Gals: i think friendster's album is so not working. i have uploaded the DnD pics and other other pictures which i owe u gals in flickr.com. sent the link to all of u le... for others whom i have taken pictures with and wants them, let me know ;p

eons. updates.

seems like it's been ages since i last blogged.

well, i'm just plain lazy. lazy to switch on my comp. lazy to verbalize my thots.

Devastation.
i was going through a terrible time last week.

my hard disk crashed. i was devastated. i worked thru the weekends, worked late every night.
trying hard to rescue my engagements. well, at least i managed to put one back on its track.
sigh.
as for the rest, i told some of my seniors, and, they gave me the "what else can u do, except to re do all your stuff and recover whatever you have lost" look. sianz. i guess even if finals for my engagements were not as bad as i am expecting, my bad luck is about to make things worse.

managed to whine to my pals and got some consolation. as much as they can do, they can only give me moral support. but, thanks. it's nice to know at least there are ppl who care.

anyway, what's happened has already happened. all i can do is try my best to recover everything and work extra hard during finals. so, guys, wish me luck. and pray for the best. i will survive, won't i?

*******
depressive stuff aside, DnD was held last thursday. the dreaded event of the year. was deciding if i should dress up, look pretty... or not go at all... or just turn up in office wear... well, finally decided to help Lao Da with backstage and was dressed down.. and i mean down... my gals did the same... i think we would definitely win an award, "worst dressed for the night". kekeke... anyhow, we had lots of fun... =)

took many pictures with my colleagues and an ex-colleague who left and came back to crash... tsk tsk. i miss her! ha.
GALS: photos are up in friendster, not sure if the photo album is working... let me know if it isn't... i'll upload them somewhere else... =)

i took a photo with someone. at least the photo turned out alrite. although this time, i don't look as good... but.. alright.

**********

weekends went well... =)

[[event 1]]

met up with uni classmates for birthday dinner.

happy birthday, ms M!!!

i know you have lovely presents this year... so, well wishes and hope u had a great birthday this year... and a wonderful birthday every year.... =D

[[event 2]]
managed to spend quite some time with someone over the weekends.
irritated the person to death. as usual.
but it is nice spending time with him somehow.
don't know if he enjoys my company as well...
but well well... secretly hope he does... wahahahha...

<><><><><><><><><><>

i am interested in knowing who you wrote about on your blog, mr. black.
curiousity kills the cat, but i ain't a kitty... *rofl*

sick.

flu mode.
runny nose.
having a tissue stuck on my nose ain't fun.

sick...
sick...
sick...

miserable.

wad if i think of u all the time...
ur smile.
ur warmth.
ur subtle gentleness.
would you take a second look at me...
would you slow down ur pace for me...

silence.

meep meep.
a sound i wish i could hear.
a quiet sunday.
a sunday where i felt like i lived on my own.
a sunday where i felt no one cared.
a sunday where i felt... no one bothered abt my existence.

the usual sunday ritual.
the day has just gone by without my acknowledgement.
freak.

i drove to the supermarket and drove home.
yikes.
i was the unruly driver.
refused to give way. (unintentionally)
i was the inconsiderate driver.
parked disgustingly. ( i just cant park... where are the poles?? ;p)
now, only a small 1-litre car could park between me and another car...
oops.
the whole experience made me realised how inexperienced i was.
i need to drive more!! ha.
so, dad.... can i drive again??

tml is a new week.

will you make me smile?
will you make my heart skip a beat?
will you make my day a better one?
will you take my weekday blues away....
just you...

promiscuous.

Promiscuous –adjective

1. characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

2. consisting of parts, elements, or individuals of different kinds brought together without order.

3. indiscriminate; without discrimination.

4. casual; irregular; haphazard.

-Synonyms 1. unchaste. 2. hodgepodge, confused, mixed, jumbled.


yes, i got all of these definitions and synonyms off dictionary dot com.

sigh.

why are ppl getting increasingly promiscuous?

yes. i am looking at meaning number one.
but the other meanings seem to have negative connotations as well.
i love the song. but please... is this really wad ppl want? is this the life and morals that they are looking at? is this a societal tragedy or an evolution that's too rapid for me...


i shudder.
tonight.
i am afraid.
afraid of being alone.
afraid of being with people.
afraid of myself.
i weep in silence.
i shudder under my covers...

i made it.

i teared. i had an outburst of emotions after the test.
u came to my mind. but... i choose to let it hide away...

so, will i be get a present for having passed the test??? hee.
i will be waiting... lol.

although i was on leave today, i still went for movie screening with my colleagues.
sponsored by company le... haha.
the show was ok. i guess i am reli not into Bond movies.

i wana take pictures in orchard road with the lights...
will someone bring me??
the lights look nice...
i fell in love with the fountain-like x'mas tree at Heeren...


tml is saturday.
i mean whn i get up...
weekends are such a bore.

life. dreams.

if life is a facade

and dreams are reality

is waking up a form of escapism

is death the only way for one to dream forever and face reality

and though one may be afraid of death

one may be more afraid of living

is it only with darkness will one know what is light

shatter.

no words left to speak of.

no thots.

no emotions.

nothing.

nothing remains.

wad's left is the piercing shatter of the heart.

dark. bt not twisty.

there ain't no twisted tale behind this layout. i did it myself.

yes, probably this is the me which i choose to keep under wraps.
cox life is never a tale of fantasy. life will not be a fairy tale.
at least for myself.

btw, i love tidbits!!

i think i am beginning to lose myself, lose my zest for life, lose a lot of things which i used to be proud of. i have no idea how to get them back.

~~~~
i wana write a little something for someone...
someone nice... someone...

[you will be missed if you go overseas. at least by me. but if opportunities arise and life for you is so much better over there, i think you can really consider going.]

[if you like someone, i think it's worth a try to let him/her know... u'll never know how he/she feels toward you... jia you!!] *just as i was blogging, this person replied to say wadeva he said is for conversation sake... yeeks! so i decided to stop there =(*

~~~~~

insights
people choose to be indifferent about things. some choose to be neutral.
some ppl just find it hard to express themselves. but will they live to regret it?
as ppl grow older, they are more wary of their feelings, does this cause them to be more afraid of expressing them? or are they just concerned about the outcome?
inability to accept wad they do not wish to hear?
am i growing to be like that... i think i might be... but i reli hope not...

if i like someone, should i tell him?
wad if i am rejected?
but it's difficult to live not knowing the outcome...

if u like me, tell me... =)

death note.

after waiting ages for my colleagues to watch Death Note, either they have watched it and forgotten abt asking me or they end up not watching it. anyhow, i have finally watched Death Note today. didn't really like it. either because i was damn tired and yawning away or i reli did not enjoy the show. hmmm.... or prolly i didn't understand the show at all.

i thot the show had no climax and no suspense. bt my frends liked it. all of them asked me why i didn't enjoy it and they were surprised. but i don't understand why they liked it.

so, my dear frends, if u like the show, share with me the reason(s)... hahahha... maybe i will grow to like the show after understanding it. lol. =D

anyway, i prefer "The Prestige". hee. more like my kinda movie. hahaha.

i am tired. after not having enuf sleep for a few days, i finally get to rest early yesterday but today... yes, i am going to bed after i finish blogging. and i am having a runny nose NOW!! sigh. just hope it's just a night time thingy and does not worsen.

[evil lies within all man, it is an innate nature to be evil]
[control the demons before you exude an aura of evil]

addict.

i am a tv addict.
i especially love watching hallmark channel on cable tv. some of their shows are real touching.

one of them is "judging amy".
it revolves around familes, children, love and relationships between people.
i just love the show...
it reflects happiness that one would desire for.
the love and care portrayed in the show are somewhat lacking in society.
i just wish reality can be drama, just like how some dramas reflect reality.

i am envious of big families, obviously it wld be those where there's lots of love and concern.
love seeing how all of them would gather and chat, laugh and share their lives.
i enjoy watching children play and hearing their innocent laughter.
nothing beats looking at them smile and how their eyes twinkle.

it's therapeutic to see love between people, see how happiness lies within them.

love.
innocence.
happiness.

i feel alone.

current situation: s i c k.

current mode: n o t f e e l i n g w e l l.

was on half day mc.

i think i am such a weakling.

before i went home, i felt vulnerable.
i felt alone.
thank heavens for my friend. hee.
at least felt more comforted.
thanks for ur shoulder.
although it was quite an awkward situation, u were nice to lend me ur shoulder.
thanks.

i wana whine!!
i have a big cut on my little finger. it hurts.
it hurts real bad.
when i got cut, blood was dripping. *sob*
no one cares... =(

not feeling well + big cut = sad me.

enuf of whiney me...

[[SHOUTS: anyone out there?? i wana watch movie!!!]]

Bagz.

yes, i decided to ask my best pal out... do some shopping for a bigger bag cox my puny bag is exploding.

went around and realised that bags these days just do not come in the right size, or right colour... there would be something that prevents me from buying the bag... sigh. tough decision. or maybe i am just too fussy.... =(

to all who shared in my birthday gift... THANKS!! and yes, i am going to get a bag... but, NO... it ain't going to be an IT bag... thanks!!! next time, just buy me what i really need, a bag that will not explode... lol. do not do such silly things again... please... bt i reli appreciate all ur nice thots! =D

and dnt gif me "ang bao" until i get married, or my baby's 1st month... lol. so wierd!!! cannot believe u gals did that... pls... pls... do not ever do such silly things AGAIN... ;p but i still love u gals... and i reli appreciate it..

before someone insists that he is not a gal, yes, thank you, ohbe2! next time dont do such silly things with them... u can buy me a water bottle.... hee... =D
----

i quarrelled with my mum.
why.
i know i am in no way better than her in everything i do.
so, pls mum, don't impose your high standards upon me.
i cannot meet them.

ultimately, i will choose to close the door.